Welcome to my backstage! A Personal Story of a Sad Clown
I raise the curtain of my backstage and share a topic that (has) accompanied me for more than 20 years. And is also not uncommon in the music industry, where I have been working for 10 years.
Because it often hits people who are
- extremely creative
- are extremely sensitive and empathic
- have pressure to succeed/perform
- people who are extremely radiant and the center of attention
It’s about pressure, overthinking and eating disorders, in my case bulimia. I like to let this shady past fall under the rug because it’s been hard for me to talk about for a long time. Discomfort. Even today, I’m vulnerable when it comes to this topic — yet it explains so much about my “why.” I was ashamed of it, demonized myself, and at some point cracked under the pressure that I was so eager to take off myself because of it.
I recently became aware during a coaching session for my business that I was still holding on to this supposed shield of “bulimia/eating disorder” so that I wouldn’t need to move forward. After all, I’ve been spinning circles in my personal hell for years — and ironically felt very safe in it. The suffering was familiar to me. I could hold on to that very well.
Sometimes, however, hell is also holding on.
Especially to things that are far behind us. That’s when I realized: as long as I’m still wrapping this cloak of silence around myself, I’m preventing myself from progressing. I continue to rummage in the trunk of the past instead of facing forward. Instead of shifting into gear and pressing on the gas pedal.
Add to that: people — and by that I mean you, you, people who work with me — can’t understand why I’m so fired up about unraveling the mindf*ck and getting to our authentically happy backstage selves. Free from the double existence or vicious cycle of outside pressure, guilt, shame and pressure again (this time from ourselves)… because an eating disorder is a symbol of nothing else. Because eating disorders are about food, it’s easy to be misled into thinking that they’re about food, but they’re not.
It’s about creating a sense of security or pressure relief through intemperance, self-flagellation, and control, and food (swap it gladly with other things like sex, drugs, alcohol, exercise…) is just one means of achieving that.
Bulimia, in this context, is an eating disorder that is primarily about trying to cope with emotional pain and social constructs. From a very young age, we learn to be good girls and real boys — start hiding our personalities to become what the world wants us to be. We negate ourselves and our perceptions or feelings and comply. We are told:
“You are allowed to have these feelings, not these. A girl has to behave like this and not otherwise. This is the body you have to aspire to. This is what you are supposed to believe in. This is proper and this is not proper. This is too much… this is too little… and this is the life you have to want. Stop dreaming… don’t be stubborn… better be reasonable and adapt!”
We look over my shoulder into my 20’s at a very sensitive happy-go-lucky girl in the music industry — always with a radiant mask on the outside. Always in a good mood, kind of cute. A wild bee who is up for any fun. For long days of work and also for long nights of partying. This girl is insanely good at taking care of her outside… always mindful of perfectly adapting to the environment and just not being rejected — small spoiler: happened a lot despite or because of that.
Being Everybodys Darling is a 168 hr fulltime job that comes with a lot of pressure.
In the hustle and bustle of the TV and music business jungle, a lot of things — especially feelings — could be masked well by translating these energies into actionism: little sleep, constantly on the go, always making plans… Endlessly on the trot, trot, trot. Tim Böning wrote so beautifully honestly in his article in Musikwoche the other day
“This job can be dangerous for the mind.”.
I can sign that. Back and forth, back and forth, from one extreme to the other. Those who didn’t look too closely admired my Type-A efficiency in the process. “Wow, the things you do!” — But if you’d looked behind my curtain just a little, you’d have realized that I was keeping myself busy to distract myself from my problems. After all, they didn’t fit on Elena Schirm’s stage.
I am known on the outside for always being radiant and seeing everything in my job in a positive light, or balancing it that way. I thought they didn’t want me to be in a “bad” mood, stressed, sad, angry — human. They hadn’t hired me for that.
At 27, after wild years in the music industry, the Berlin party scene, and “always doing everything right by everyone,” I had a mental breakdown — a classic nervous breakdown — and had to admit to myself that while I was balancing everything so well on the outside, something inside myself was completely out of balance. What an irony.
I am like many artistic people, very sensitive, visionary thinking and creative, which created a lot of pressure — pressure to fit in, to be perfect, to be nice, to be creative, to be beautiful and to be good enough. Pressure also came from concepts we are taught by a society that tells us exactly how it wants us to be.
There’s No Business like Showbusiness!
Iirving Berlin’s famous “Showbusiness Mantra” is about persevering when everything in life seems to be against you. It’s about never giving up, smiling through the tears and delivering what you promised because you’re working for a higher purpose, even if it’s just to brighten people’s lives for an hour or two with a concert.
There are few people who smile like show business people when they are down. “There’s No Business Like Show Business is about keeping going even when you don’t feel like it. Especially when you don’t feel like it.
I’ve learned from the last 10 years and my history how apt the “sad clown” analogy is in show business, and how liberating it is to turn the spotlight around and let it shine on your personal backstage or authentic self.
Let’s face it: people don’t want to see bad-tempered, sad artists* on stage — unless they might be singing a sentimental ballad or feeding the greed of the tabloids. Those who are interested in business don’t want to see their lives in a minor key. They want the glow, their power, to make the fans go wild, to sell records. Even if they don’t feel like it right now.
When the spotlight goes out and the curtain falls, everyone backstage is human. People who have personal issues and feel pressure. Whether it’s this constant pressure to perform at the drop of a hat — whether it’s off stage or on it — or to be in top form, to compare with others and to be constantly creatively “on air.” We humans always want to remove this pressure — which brings us back to partying, sex, food, drugs, alcohol, sports & Co.
But this again drives us away from our authentic self — the inner voice — which in turn is the source of inspiration and creativity. The channel gets clogged and at some point nothing works anymore. Burn-Out. Bore-Out. Depression. Vicious circle — Here we go!
Through my therapy I started in 2016 to understand who I really am and HOW I am: Highly Sensitive. At the same time, I always thought I was just too sensitive. -Actually, I’ve always thought I was always “too…-something” anyway.
Too much, too little, too loud, too fast, too stubborn, too lazy, when I lost weight I was too thin, mostly too fat… and compared to others I always lost anyway. Many artists know this.
Judgements inside, judgements outside — daily business.
High sensitivity actually only means to perceive much more — which is a superpower. This high sensitivity, consciously used, is an insanely good vessel for creativity and ideas that want to enter the world. Not recognized and socially accepted, it leads to sensory overload, being difficult or “squeamish”. Especially in a world focused on performance and “one size fits all”.
I am not surprised that many highly sensitive artists* are. They are thus able to perceive and interpret much finer information. Their strings vibrate more easily, to stay with this image. And that’s great and makes music so special. So magical.
Highly sensitive people often have a different — crazier — picture of things and often have the problem that they can only talk about their perceptions with a few people — or in the best case channel them into music. And then we have that certain something.
Something that was not there before. It touches us, inspires us, because it opens up a new space that we haven’t seen or felt before. That is art. That’s what fascinates us all about it. Isn’t it?
Artists need to learn — like I did back then — that they are not “crazy” and how to use their abilities as a gift instead of self-destructing, not wanting to feel anything and letting the mindf*ck take over.
Creativity needs vulnerability.
I watched the Netfix documentary ‘Brené Brown: The Call to Courage” yesterday (if you haven’t seen it, go watch it immediately!) and was reminded again how inevitable vulnerability is if we want to create and change anything. It is not possible without…
It inspired me to write these lines. To reveal myself. As long as there is successful art, there will be people who bare their soul. This is never easy and requires a lot of courage, especially considering today’s screamers, armchair critics or torch mobs in social media.
These like to take the insecurity of artists* to explore the private life and intimate relationships. To take apart that which is shown with so much heart. Because we have all forgotten how to be vulnerable ourselves and prefer to look at what is going on with others, more sensitive people, than with ourselves. The ones who fall off the grid, who are crazy and provide topics for conversation.
Then, in those moments, your own life seems less gray because the person who had the courage to show themselves vulnerable. It’s inspiring. Maybe not at the moment when she earns funny looks. But later… Because this courage allows others to also be brave and show themselves vulnerable. To do something different.
I’m doing that with this by sharing my story of how so much heart and passion in this industry almost broke me and then allowed me to develop my superpower: The necessary subtlety to look behind the masks and support the people who almost collapse under the pressure of the mind. Like I once did.
I wish that the spotlight would also fall on the personal backstage of artists* and the people who work with them, and that the concept of Mindfuck Management and the topic of Mental Health would become the norm.
Simply because we all need a stable mental framework, especially artists. We need access to ourselves in order to create that magic on stage, without which the world would be much grayer.
Artists are not (promotion) machines and therefore need competent, like-minded people to accompany them on their creative journey with the right mindset.
This is where I come in. Happy to help!
I use my experiences with pressure and overthinking to help others through my coaching and consulting services. By sharing my story and offering a safe space for others to do the same, I hope to help other sensitive and creative souls to overcome their own struggles with pressure and judgements. I use a combination of systemic coaching, mindfulness practices, and practical tips and tools to help individuals better understand and manage their emotions, break free from self-destructive patterns, and live a more authentic and fulfilling life.
My goal is to empower my clients to take control of their own mental health and happiness, and find peace and joy in who they truly are. To live a life on their terms.
